Wait for It

"Wait for the Lord;

be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord."

~ Psalm 27:14

Patience has never been one of my strengths. When I've done the MBTI, or Myers Briggs assessment, I am an SJ, meaning I prefer Sensing and Judging. One characteristic of SJs is acting quickly to solve a problem - we see what's wrong, get initial data, and act quickly on solving the problem as the data indicates. An example of this can be needing to buy a car. The SJ type of person will feel the need to purchase a vehicle, look at one or two they think would be good, and buy a new car within a few days. People who prefer the opposites, Intuition and Perceiving, or NP, tend to want more information before making a decision and will mull over their options for much longer. In this case, they will likely test drive four or five cars multiple times over a couple months, read all the reviews online, and then finally purchase the vehicle they think best.

I admire my NP friends for their patience and careful consideration before jumping to the conclusion. It is a trait I have to work on diligently and, to be honest, it causes me a lot of anxiety when I do. The past few months have been a time of great anxiety for me as I have had no choice but to wait out the first Halloween, Thanksgiving, Mom's birthday, Christmas, and my birthday without Dad. When he died in August, I read about grief and how to handle the first holidays and significant dates (birthdays, anniversaries, etc.). Since Dad first developed vascular dementia in 2017, I had grieved much for many of the things I lost along the way, such as his knowing who I was and his ability to give me the best life advice. I thought for sure I would handle the holidays easily..

Six weeks after Dad died, I developed panic attacks and generalized anxiety to beat the band. Thankfully, with much prayer, meditation, yoga, and support from family and friends, the panic and anxiety have lessened. The anxiety has not gone away completely...I'm sure it never will, as I do have an anxiety disorder, but I do expect it to fall onto the back burner at some point, as it has in the past. I am praying daily for this and I believe firmly that God is already working on it. He put into my heart back in October one stipulation: be still and know that I AM.

Advent was the time I needed that stillness most. Christmas was my dad's favorite time of year, and it is mine, as well. I am a Christmas baby, so throw my birthday in with Jesus' and it's clear why Advent usually gets me super excited and a little more anxious than normal. This year, knowing I would be more anxious than excited, God steered me to the Hallow app, which had a daily Advent meditation focused on the concept of being still. It was wonderful to take time with that every day and feel the presence of God, Mary, Joseph, and Jesus, helping me through the sadness and fear. With that, daily Mass, and much prayer, I found myself able to wait on the Lord more patiently by letting go of challenging emotions and letting God heal my grieving heart.

Christmas was lovely. My birthday was sad but still lovely. I felt God's presence throughout our celebrations and I felt Dad there, too. I still am struggling with physical and mental symptoms of grief. I likely always will in some way, to some extent. I will always miss my dad. But I see the light in this darkness and I have learned to tap more into my NP. I have learned to wait on the Lord, who makes all things beautiful in its time (Ecclesiastes 3:11).

Lord, I know your plans for me far surpass what I think would be best.

I trust you to get me through every one of life's challenges.

Grant me wisdom to see what you want me to do during this season of waiting and

help me not to jump into solving problems that you already solved for me.

For you, O Lord, my soul in stillness waits. Amen.

We wait for the Lord like nature waits for spring.