Weathering the Storm

"Suddenly a furious storm came up on the lake, so that the waves swept over the boat.

But Jesus was sleeping.

The disciples went and woke him, saying, 'Lord, save us! We're going to drown!'

He replied, 'You of little faith, why are you so afraid?'

Then he got up and rebuked the winds and the waves, and it was completely calm."

~ Matthew 8:24-26

A massive winter storm is heading my way as I type. I have plenty of food, water, kerosene for the emergency heater, and power banks for our phones. There is nothing left to do but wait for the storm to come, then wait for it to pass...right?

This storm has affected me like none other. My father was always fascinated by the weather, especially storms. Sleep through a hurricane? Never! He'd be on the front porch, waiting for the dark clouds to open. Hide in the basement from a tornado warning? Not on your life! He'd be at the windows, looking for the twister. With Dad being an electrician, you expected we had a generator ready when a blizzard knocked out the power? Surely you jest! Dad would rather brave the cold, snuggled up under blankets, telling stories by the light of our hurricane lamps. He relished whatever weather might throw our way. Not me!

Cortisol has run high for me since my father died a few months ago. Thankfully, it's been improving, but then came talk of the upcoming storm and it flared. Anxiety plagues me about whether or not I've got everything my mother and I need in case of power outages, how will emergency personnel get to us if the roads are icy, will I have a lot of panic attacks while we're stuck in the house? The reality is, I know we will be just fine. God will be with us to get us through. He's helped me gather all that we need and the weather won't be icy forever. Yet my body is stuck in fight-or-flight and it comes out as anxiety.

As I've been praying about it, I have come to realize the increased cortisol goes much deeper than the weather. This is the first storm without my father. He would've loved this. I would've loved seeing him so excited. I felt safe when Dad was in charge, safe when he was here. When he died, that sense of safety went with him. How do I get it back? Dad was content to be asleep with Jesus in the boat during every storm of life. There was a time in my life when I was, too. Why has my faith weakened?

These questions and feelings are, again, common with grief. Even the most devout theologians have grappled with them in the depths of giref. As I wait for the snow and ice to come, I meditate on what I know for certain will come next: Jesus will calm the storm. He will pick up where my faith is lacking and make all things well. It may not be tonight, it may not be a week from now, but he will heal me in the depths of my soul. He will, once more, fill me with peace to sleep through the storms. My role is to ask for his help and be patient as he works on me. Grief is a physically, mentally, and emotionally challenging journey. Thank the Lord we never have to make it alone.

Jesus, the storms rage about me and within me. Don't let them frighten me.

Help me be patient while they pass and help me learn from them what you need me to know.

Jesus, thank you for being here with me through all the storms in my life. Amen.

Holly berries in the snow.