Cry, Baby

"Jesus wept."

~ John 11:35

My father endured an 8-year journey with vascular dementia. My mother and I were his primary caregivers until the day he died. About a month after he left us, I met up with a friend of mine who is a priest. He asked how I was doing and I told him I was terribly sad because I missed my father so much. I explained there was a physical heaviness in my chest that I couldn't explain. He was shocked and said, "That's funny. I would've thought you'd feel relieved now that's at peace and no longer suffering."

"Yes, there is a sense of relief," I said, "but that doesn't erase the pain that I feel because he's not here."

When I told my mother about the conversation, she couldn't believe his naivete. He was young and had not lost anyone that close to him yet. He would learn one day. He would realize why Jesus wept when he was told that his good friend Lazarus had died. Jesus knew Lazarus was only sleeping, and still he wept. Mom and I both have strong faith in the resurrection. We trust Dad is in Heaven. We pray daily for his soul. And yet, we cry.

Grief is a beast all its own. I thought I was prepared for Dad's Homegoing. Sure, I knew I would miss him and that the holidays would be sad, but I had no idea that grief carries with it all the physical symptoms that it does - vivid dreams, anxiety or panic attacks, sleep disturbances,heaviness in the chest, muscle tension in the upper back, decreased immunity, and more. I did well for the first 6 weeks or so after Dad died. My chest felt heavy but I was functioning normally. Then the anxiety and panic attacks started, and the insomnia and back pain. Grieving felt like an impossible task...somedays it still does.

Tears are the natural release valve for the body and mind. They release stress hormones and help you heal. Grief can hit unpredictably. Some things I did with Dad draw me closer to him, like experiencing a new restaurant or taking photos of a beautiful sunset. Other experiences, like walking the trails nearby, I can’t relive…not yet.

The holidays are upon us. The first holidays without my Dad are upon us. Two down, one to go. I may cry my way through it. I hope I do - tears of sorrow and tears of joy. Dad will be celebrating with the birthday boy this year.

Jesus, thank you for the gift of eternal life. When I’m sad because I miss my loved one, fill me with confidence and joy that they are with you, and we will all be together someday…for eternity. Amen.

Blandford Cemetery, Petersburg, Virginia.