If You Don't Ask, the Answer is Always No

"So I say to you:

Ask and it will be given to you;

Seek and you will find;

Knock and the door will be opened to you."

~ Luke 11:9

Grief is unsettling, to say the least. As one of Dad's live-in caregivers, my days and nights were laid out according to his schedule, his needs. I knew exactly who I was at any given moment: his caregiver. I started a new job a week after Dad died. I thought it was a great opportunity and I would be happy there. It wasn't great and I wasn't happy. Quite the opposite. The job was stressful and chaotic. Even when I was off, I frequently got phone calls or texts about emergencies at the office that I needed to help figure out. Roughly a month after I started the job, I began having anxiety and panic attacks on the ways to and from work. Turns out that grief alone can bring on anxiety and panic. Add a very taxing job into the mix and it's a done deal.

I prayed for discernment and within a couple days, almost 15 people advised me to quit the job. My doctor even recommended it for the sake of my physical health. I took their advice and left the position to allow myself time and space to heal. Some of the anxiety eased up with my resignation; however, the overall feeling of being on edge intensified and the panic attacks grew more frequent. My upper back, neck, and shoulders became so tight that I often found it affected my breathing. Again, I had no idea that muscle tension can result from grief. Stress, sure, yet I had never equated stress with grief. They are two completely different emotions, right? Wrong.

After my father died, my schedule became my own. I don't need to listen for him in the morning so I can rush downstairs and make him breakfast. He doesn't need me to drive him around on the weekends to get out of the house for a bit. Mom and I don't need to keep eyes on him at all times to make sure he doesn't wander away. With work, I had some sense of scheduling, though without boundaries, the only part of the schedule that seemed set in stone was my 5:00 a.m. rising. What should my days look like now? Mom needs me to some extent, but nowhere near as much as Dad did. She is very self-sufficient. I feel like I've lost a huge part of my identity now that Dad isn't here.

When work first started and I felt overwhelmed, I wondered why God brought me to the position. Things got worse. I continued to question. We have to be prepared that the answers God gives may not be easy to hear. I realized in time that the problem was mine. I had never asked God in the first place whether or not to take the job. I saw only the good things that came with the job and so jumped on the chance. God, for his part, sent various warnings into my path to show me I was going the wrong way. It wasn't until the panic attacks and anxiety became significant that I finally saw the light.

If I had only asked first. If I had only sought God's will for me. If I had just knocked at God's door before saying yes to the job, I would've spared myself - and my family - a lot of turmoil. I have since asked God for his forgiveness, his healing, and his guidance. And he is answering my pleas. He is showing me who I am in Christ, who I am meant to be now that my role as Dad’s caregiver has ended. Grief is still hard and the physical symptoms of it still plague me. The difference is that God is running the show. I don’t have to exhaust myself trying to do it my way.

God, please forgive me for all the times I have failed to seek you. Help me always to ask the right questions and knock on the right doors. Help me find and follow you. Amen.

Knock and the door shall be opened.